Mama and Me
Il y a trois années…
…aujourd’hui, Maman est morte.
Three years ago today, my mom passed away. Then, I just wasn’t in the mental space to share some words to honor her memory and the truly awesome impact she had on my life.
I think back on the first time I read Albert Camus, L’étranger, in high school, and how emotionally charged I felt reading that, unable to comprehend how or what that sense of lost would feel like. Until it happened, and it shattered me completely.
I’ve spent the past three years rebuilding myself. Through the help of friends and family, I have found my way back to myself, but really it’s been a way back my mom, because ever since I was young, I tried to emulate her love, kindness, and generosity, day in and day out.
When my friends told me they were getting married in Hawaii, I knew it was a sign. My mom always wanted to go to Hawaii. When I was finally of means to make her wish come true, we could never find the time.
I remember when I was living in California, and I had finally gotten my first big boy job, I tried to convince her to come join me over the Christmas break in San Francisco and together we could fly out to Hawaii. The holidays, family, and traditions were very important to her and she didn’t want to miss Christmas in NC with the whole family. I tried a few more occasions but the timing never worked out and then she got sick.
A few weeks ago, a familiar wave of emotions hit me, remembering and re-experiencing the loss. I decided to write down and reflect on some of good times we shared together.
So this morning, I got up at 4:30am and drove to Lanikai Pillbox for a pre-dawn hike. I made it to the top of the mountain for sunrise and read this eulogy to you, Mama. Here’s my eulogy to the woman who made me, who raised me, and to the life she gave me.
Mama and Me
One of my very first memories is being carried across an overpass at dawn. For the longest time, I didn’t know if this was a real memory or not until I asked my oldest brother about it. He told me that every morning, Mama used to take to nursery before having to go into work as a security officer at 7am. Sometimes the buses weren’t running on schedule or hadn’t started their service so my mom would walk me to the nursery from our apartment complex because we didn’t own a car at the time. That memory of me waking up to see the overpass is one example out of a lifetime that shows my mom’s determination and love for me.
She used to take my brother, (Gary) Jr. and me to Discovery Place when we were younger. It was the science museum in Charlotte and she had a friend who worked there so she would get a chance to catch up with him and I could run around the museum learning all I could from the exhibits, and playing all the interactive games.
She signed me and Jr. up for recreational sports. I was really not good at basketball, Jr. was really great at it and eventually played AAU, and he would make fun of me, especially when I got packed so badly in a game, it was soul-crushing. But nonetheless, she signed us up for that and baseball, which was pretty decent at. She wanted to make sure we had access to these experiences.
From middle school to high school she would manage to get off work, go home, and dress up for my wind ensemble and orchestra concerts. I don’t think she ever missed any. Chamber music always made her sleepy so she would occasionally get a nap in between my performances.
I accidentally wrecked her car my senior year and her only concern was for my safety.
I remember the whole family coming up with me to visit NCSU for my overnight campus visit, us all piling up in one hotel room.
My College Times
When I was in college, we would do dinner dates at Chili’s when I would come back home. She liked the blackened chicken pasta and strawberry lemonade.
She never for once rejected me. When I came out, she immediately told me that she loved me and that nothing has changed. Her only worry was how the world might treat me.
She met my exes and always made a point to make sure I relayed her greetings.
She was always there, for every big accomplishment, she supported in every possible way, she was my biggest cheerleader, just proud of whatever I did.
She came to some of my ballroom dance competitions in college.
My Grad School Times
She was first diagnosed with breast cancer my second year in graduate school. She was reluctant to tell us about it; she said she had considered not telling us and going through surgery on her own because she didn’t want to worry anyone. That’s wild to think of, but she never wanted to be considered a burden.
We were all there with her for her surgery and was there supporting in the healing process. Shoutout to my sister and her family who were there to drain the fluids and repack the wounds. She seemed to have recovered. After five years, lots of screenings, and doctor visits, we thought she was finally cancer-free.
She would go to different events across the city to support other women who were battling breast cancer, never taking for granted anything. We would go to reunion events in the city to celebrate her being in remission and she would write notes of encouragement for people battling cancer as well.
During my PhD convocation, I had a chance to thank her for all she did in front of the whole graduating class who applauded her for what she did for me.
We would talk on the phone and that’s how I would learn all the gossip of what was happening in the family. She was one of my best friends, someone I always felt comfortable telling everything to.
Her Early life
She was the oldest of six. Raised in Catawba Springs, a rural area about forty-five minutes from Charlotte, or what we all refer to as the country.
She was in the first class to integrate her high school at East Lincoln High.
She wanted to be a typist and secretary and begun typing classes before she and my father started our family.
She worked at a button factory making around $2 an hour, and then became a full-time home baker.
Jr. and I often joke that Mama had two families because the kids came in two phases: the older ones, and us.
The Matriarch
She had to start all over, all alone, by herself, but she managed to build a happy and supportive home for us all. She sacrificed day in, and day out, sometimes working multiple jobs at a time, putting our needs before hers, doing the absolute best she could.
One of her jobs was working security at Spirit Square, an art gallery in Uptown* Charlotte.
All the artists would come by and rub her belly when she was pregnant. She says that’s how I became left-handed, probably also why I’m gay 😅🌈
This section below was added March 29, 2025
I still remember very vividly the penultimate time Mama was in the hospital. I had just brought her back some rotisserie chicken. She had been craving it from the day before when they had it for one of her meals.
Completely unprompted, Mama told me that she wanted to walk with me in the Pride Parade, the one with all the rainbows, in Charlotte. I told her that I would gather some friends and we would make that happen. Unfortunately she and I never had the chance to walk in the parade together.
Last year, I was committed to honoring her wish:
I organized some of my friends to come to Charlotte for its Pride weekend and plan a bunch of activities to show them Charlotte and show them where my mom grew up, and some of the family traditions we had.
I reached out to PFLAG-Charlotte, historically known as Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, and asked if our group could walk with them, to which they agreed warmly.
She knew exactly how I liked my sandwiches.
She remembered all my favorite orders.
She’ll write all my addresses and flight informations for when I was traveling and call me right before all my trips to make sure I was alright.
She loved Cherry Coke and honey-roasted peanuts.
She would get these massive Charley horses and could only soothe it with the cold sidewalk and licking her handful of salt.
I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am if it weren’t for her.
She taught me to care for others, show up for others, be there for others
She taught me all the life lessons that money could never buy.
I wrote this note the day she passed:
This morning, my mama passed away.
The matriarch of our family, she was one of the most giving people I’ve ever met, and she was mama to the whole neighborhood.
She taught me so much about life, humility, and the importance of kindness. No more happy bday singing at my birth time, no more family gossip calls. My world is forever changed.
Three years later, my world is still forever changed.
I love you Mama. I really hope you are resting in peace. You brought me to where I am, and I promise to continue to make you proud.
Your loving son,
Teon
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